Cast
• Performer 1 – Plays the Traveler, King, and Princess
• Performer 2 – Plays the Guard, Queen, and Announcer
Props
• Bench
• Various wigs, crown, hats (for quick character swaps)
Opening
(Announcer steps forward, looking concerned.)
Announcer:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that the NF Players are… down a few cast members. Budget cuts? Creative differences? Lost in the woods? Who knows!
But! The show must go on.
So, our two remaining actors will be playing all the parts. They’ve got wigs, hats, and sheer determination.
Let’s give them a hand!” (claps, waits for audience to join in)
(Announcer steps aside, and the skit begins.)
Script
(Traveler knocks loudly on the gate. Performer 1 wears a traveler’s hat.)
Traveler: Knock, knock, knock!
Guard: (Performer 2 puts on a helmet, deep voice) Who’s there?
Traveler: I am a man from afar!
Guard: Afar? Never been there. Go away!
Traveler: No, no! I’ve come for the princess’ hand!
Guard: Just her hand? Wouldn’t that be a bit… MESSY??
Traveler: No, no! I mean ALL of her! (gestures wildly)
Guard: Oliver who?
Traveler: No! ALL OF HER!
Guard: I’ll have to ask the King. (turns, swaps to a crown) O Sire!
King: (Performer 1, now regal voice) Yes, what is it?
Guard: There is a man without.
King: Without what?
Guard: Without the gate.
King: Well, give him the gate! We have plenty of those!
Guard: No, Sire, he comes for the princess’ hand.
King: Just her hand? Wouldn’t that be a bit… MESSY??
Guard: No, Sire, he comes for all of her.
King: Oliver who?
Guard: NO! ALL OF HER! (gestures wildly)
King: I’ll have to ask the Queen. (turns, swaps crown for a wig) O, dear!
Queen: (Performer 2, adjusting wig, high-pitched voice) Yes, what is it?
King: There is a man without.
Queen: Without what?
King: Without the gate.
Queen: Well, give him the gate! We have plenty of those.
King: No, dear, he comes for the princess’ hand.
Queen: Just her hand? Wouldn’t that be a bit… MESSY??
King: No, dear, he comes for all of her.
Queen: Oliver who?
King: NO! ALL OF HER! (wild gestures)
Queen: I’ll have to ask the princess. (turns, swaps to tiara) O, dear!
Princess: (Performer 1, soft but annoyed voice) Yes, what is it?
Queen: There is a man without.
Princess: Without what?
Queen: Without the gate.
Princess: Well, give him the gate! We have plenty of those.
Queen: No, dear, he comes for your hand.
Princess: Just my hand? Wouldn’t that be a bit… MESSY??
Queen: No, he comes for all of you.
Princess: Oliver who?
Queen: NO! ALL OF YOU!!
Princess: (pauses, deadpan) Tell him… NO.
Queen: I’ll tell the King. (turns) She says NO!
King: I’ll tell the Guard. (turns) She says NO!
Guard: I’ll tell him. (turns) She says NO!
Traveler: (throws himself to the ground, dramatic wailing) OHHH! (sobs loudly, then runs offstage)
Announcer Returns
Announcer:
“Well, that was… something. But let’s be honest—who has time for long, drawn-out stories?!
We live in a technological age with 5G cell phones and fiber-optic internet!
We need to pick it up.
Let’s try it again… at LUDICROUS SPEED!
Action!!”
(Actors scramble to reset and repeat the entire skit as fast as possible, making quick prop swaps even funnier!)
Final Notes:
• Encourage over-the-top acting and exaggerated movements, especially when switching characters.
• The Ludicrous Speed version should be rushed, chaotic, and hilarious.
• The Announcer’s role keeps the audience engaged and adds to the humor.